WTF: A Human on the EDGE

WTF: An opportunity for shared suffering, shared joy and shared humanity! Inspired by the honesty of those willing to show up and share their truth.

Do you ever feel like you just don’t want this “job” anymore? Like you just want to quit? Or take a day off? Do you wish there was a substitute you could call in to fill your absence and just take a day for you? Me too!!

But here’s the thing...

Being a human is not a job. Let’s be clear. A job makes you money and being a human does not make you money, instead it costs you money, time and I’m willing to bet a lot more.

There are days that being a human costs me my sanity, my wellbeing, my peace and sometimes my happiness. I know that sounds terrible and perhaps a little overly dramatic. Being alive has its ebbs and flows and right now I’m writing from a place of low. I’m writing from the bottom of my heart, but also my lowest being and bottom of my barrel.

I’m writing as a mom who’s had her kids home since March 16, 2020. A mom, who up until that day was living her best life, pursuing her passion and running one very successful and meaningful business with another one growing by leaps and bounds. I was pushing and hustling and living in alignment professionally and personally. For the first time in my professional career, I was in the driver’s seat, I was calling all the shots, I was deciding what took priority and slaying goals like a beast. Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always glamorous and fun. I think that the past ten months plus have definitely impacted how I’ve romanticized my life and business pre-pandemic, but it was all my choice.

I chose to wake up some mornings at 2 or 3am because I felt inspired. It was my choice to pack my schedule with meetings and workshops and trips to different venues and opportunities leaving me depleted and energetically exhausted at the end of those long days. I chose to work weekends and late nights to finish projects, practice presentations and recreate content. These were my choices, all of them.

And when something didn’t work or I felt exhausted or overwhelmed, I reminded myself that I made this choice and sat with it. Sometimes that meant I just dealt with it yet most times it empowered me to make better choices for myself to balance the chaos or manage the stress more appropriately. Whatever my choice, I felt entitled to my tiredness and my choice to rest. I felt deserving of the massage or the bath or the bowl of ice cream because I had worked hard and I did!

Yet here I am, almost a year since the pandemic closed schools and businesses. Almost a year since lockdowns and toilet paper shortages. Almost an entire year of socially distancing, mask wearing and no hugs and where am I? I’m sitting in my living room, dog on my lap, wearing the same clothes and underwear I wore yesterday. I can’t even remember if I washed my face today or what cup of coffee I’m on. But I can remember that I flipped my shit on my kids and husband this morning over vitamins and water. I can remember that I almost cried thinking about another breakfast and lunch and dinner and the oh so many snacks and that I did cry as I sat in my locked bedroom and meditated while my youngest quietly knocked on my door and asked if they could use the iPads before school. I know I took pleasure in telling him “no” just like he tells me countless times a day, yet it didn’t feel as good as I was hoping it was going to. Instead I felt petty. It made me feel small and yucky and mean. But it didn’t stop me from brainstorming all the ways I was going to “forget” to do all the things I always do to show them why I was so upset. I’m awful, I know! But I’m also tired and angry and bored!!

Somehow I don’t feel entitled to the break I so desperately need. For some reason, regardless of everything I do as a mom, as a wife, a sister, a friend, a homeowner and a dog lover, I feel like it’s not enough and I don’t get to feel this way. It’s like I’m not entitled to my feelings because somehow this is just life and I just have to deal. I didn’t make this choice for my kids to be home (but I actually did) or for me to have to slow down my businesses (although I tell myself this) and I definitely don’t get paid to be the mom who’s with her kids all day, everyday filling the role of the teacher, lunch lady, recess aid, gym teacher, art teacher, technical support, coach, therapist, friend and social director. Nope, not even a little. In fact most days, I have to fight battles, nag, remind, separate, answer 490 questions, have multiple uncomfortable conversations and make countless decisions for everyone but me. And here I sit…feeling trapped, feeling sad, feeling resentful.

Now, I know this is quite familiar. I know I’ve been here before. I know it won’t last forever and I’ll put on my big girl panties and deal with it as I always do. But I also know this will come again. I know this is not over and won’t be for quite some time. And I also know that if I feel this way, I’m willing to bet there are others that feel the same or maybe even worse. And in some crazy, f*ed up way, that makes me feel a little better.

Regardless of where you are right now; whether you’re at work or working from home; whether you stay home for safety or to oversee your children, I’m willing to bet that there are choices you make and choices you don’t get to make.

We may not share the same perspective or priorities, but if there is one thing I am sure, it’s that there are more things that make us alike than different. We all get this one life to live and sometimes it feels more like surviving than thriving. We all experience the highs and lows, we all flip our lids over stupid shit sometimes and we all feel lost or defeated. It’s all part of the gig; part of being HUMAN!

But there is no quitting being a human. There are no substitutes for you, only voids left by your absence. You are needed, wanted and can’t be lived without. Even when you feel the role you play is thankless, it does not detract from its meaning or importance. It’s ok and absolutely necessary to take a break sometimes, to cut yourself some slack, to lower your expectations of yourself and to admit that you’re not happy or fulfilled. It’s ok to not be ok, but it’s not ok to live there.

It’s ok to choose you! It’s ok to prioritize yourself in this crazy dance of life! You deserve it and you have a right to make it the best it can be, whatever that looks like for you! It’s important that we learn to recognize our signs of burnout before we burn out. All our feelings are part of this one life and denying them gets us to no place better. When we listen to ourselves it gifts us an opportunity. It puts us in the driver’s seat of our lives and takes us out of the victim mentality. It allows us to make a choice when we feel we have none. And whether you choose to lay in bed and eat Bon-bons or take a bath or read a book or do absolutely nothing, that is your choice.

Don’t let others make those choices for you! Don’t give in to the belief that you don’t get to decide, that you don’t deserve it or worse, that you do deserve this suffering. You were given this life for a reason, so live like it! (Ok, that was for me. I totally needed to hear that!) But honestly, whatever your gift, whether it’s making the best damn brownies, organizing like a boss, being a great listener. Maybe you’re one of those people who folds sheets perfectly (like I wish I could) or makes people laugh or maybe you are an origami wizard? Whatever it is, do it! Do it more! Do it with pride! Do it until you feel better! Share it with others and put your awesomeness into the world. Because at the end of the day, you may rescue someone from their edge and at the end of our lives, that’s all that really matters!